i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
