God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
