if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
