the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
