im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I want to make a zoo with you.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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