peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
