so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
