and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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