Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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