What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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