Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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