I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
