Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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