living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
