I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
