i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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