i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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