I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My penis needs a shock collar
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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