he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
