Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
