Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
