dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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