Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize