Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
