don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
