So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
