Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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