So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
