So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
