Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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