Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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