I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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