census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
