it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
