I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
