I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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