The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
