Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
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We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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