well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
