i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
