youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
