I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
