i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
