i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
