walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
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Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
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Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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