Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
