a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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