Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
