Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Someone signed my nipple.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
