On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
