I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
