I wish I could punch you in the face.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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