who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
