I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
