I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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