I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
