So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
